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10 March 2010 @ 12:23 am
Some heartfelt ramblings  
1. The Glass Wall's got  fingerprints on it. 
You know that feeling you get like you're watching everyone through a glass wall? Well, I feel like that. So much in fact, that I can hardly stand it sometimes. The people around me don't really ignore me, but I feel like I'm a stand in, a temporary person that has zero conversation value. They just don't know how much I want to say, though. I want to ask people why they do the things they do, why they say the things they say and why... they are the way they are. Do someone people really mean to terrible, inconsiderate people? I hope not. When people are down right rude, do they truly feel the need to be rude? Why would you ever want to be that kind of person? (You'll notice all the questions, but very few answers.) Apparently, I am an observer and not a doer. I wish it was the reverse, occasionally. Oblivion is underrated, highly underrated. 

2. And that Makes me Sad
When I see people in love, falling in love, falling out of love, it makes me horribly sad and happy at the same time. To me, love is like a symphony. You have the introduction; all bright and forthcoming, introducing the chorus and the melody. Then the crescendo to the main part where it lifts your heart to places you never thought it go, makes you breath deep and nearly cry with satisfaction at having heard that tune, that series of notes and rhythms that expressed what love really feels like to you. And it is breathtaking. It is throbbing emotion that nearly wounds you. Then the small key change, just that one flat in the melody changes the tune and leads you somewhere else, down the road to the fine (to the end) The tune grows slow and the decrescendo is never in the place you want it to be in. The bass instruments hum down the final passage and the flutes whisper something you know you'll forget and the conductor's baton settles like ripples on a lake. You never wanted it to stop, but all music ends. All things end. That is why love makes me both happy and sad. 

3. It's something I'm missing
I'm not sure I know what rage even feels like. Have I ever been in a rage? A childhood rage, perhaps. But as an adult - no, I can't say I have. People say I'm a mellow person, the calm one, but brutal at the same time. Can you be both, calm and brutal? I guess so. For once I'd like to be pissed and brutal, just do the whole "Shut the fuck up" thing properly. Most of my tantrums consist of me calming myself while at the same time trying to say what I mean to say. It's all very frustration. And counter-productive, really. 

I think I've said too much.
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Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Bonobo - If You Stayed Over feat. Fink | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
 
death to cupcake: you are beautifuldeathtocupcake on March 12th, 2010 12:45 am (UTC)
1. The Glass Wall's got fingerprints on it.
I am hesitant to say this would be extreme as, say, depersonalization-not saying you think that. You'll find many people actually feel this way, some more than others. I've felt this way many times though I've recently been having moments where-for just a second- I feel like I'm watching myself/someone else rather than living that moment. And trust me; I always feel like a stand-in (it's nice to have a word for that). Especially with some of my old friends. I like net friend better for this reason but there are still some moments...

3. It's something I'm missing
Trust me dear, you're not missing anything on this. not anything good at least. I live with a family who is very aggressive. My father especially is in dire need of some sort of anger management. There is nearly always some form of yelling or argument while I am at his place and not only is it tiring but its also...depressing in some sense. At my mother's I have some escape from this but even she is harsh, aggressive, and...well you get the picture. Calming yourself and thinking things through is not counter-productive. Screaming "Shut the fuck up" at someone is. You may not feel you're getting anywhere, or even that no one is taking you seriously the way you are, but trust me, what you're doing is far more productive, sensible, and-to be perfectly frank- kind to everyone.
Ruyuruyu on March 13th, 2010 04:51 am (UTC)
While I'm sad that you too feel that way, I'm glad that someone can relate to my situation. Do you ever... test the waters? Like when you meet new people, do you say something and judge their response and then decide how to act around them? I'm curious.

I feel guilty now. It's just that I feel almost smothered by my own calmness and people's expectations of me to be the 'calm one'. I suppose I don't have a good outlet for my emotions. This rage of mine, when it does appear, will be done privately. I'm much too sensitive to lash out on someone.
death to cupcake: Arieldeathtocupcake on March 13th, 2010 06:23 pm (UTC)
I'll have to say the same to that. As for testing the waters, I geuss I do. It's odd because I always feel like a different person depending on what people I'm around. It's like certain parts of my personality are accentuated. I think that's why I've learned to enjoy being alone- it's calmer and I feel more like me.

Don't feel guilty, it's reasonable to wonder and question, and even more so to seek an outlet. A couple years ago I took a pretty negative approach to make an outlet that didn't bother anyone but-while it did work- it very nearly became a habit so I had to stop. I like to listen to very heavy music like screamo to de-stress or doing the laundry. I wish I could offer advice as to how to get the rage out there without stirring things up but, i dunno, it's a hard thing to sort out.